054 curiosity is more powerful than self-criticism

Pablo Picasso, Girl before a Mirror Paris, March 14, 1932

There is this quiet voice that many of us know a little too well. It tends to show up when we find ourselves face-to-face with parts of ourselves we wish we could change. Rather than approaching those parts with openness, we often meet them with frustration, impatience, or judgment.

We start searching for an explanation that turns the blame inward: Why am I like this? Why does this keep happening?

We can easily mistake this voice for motivation. We tell ourselves that if we are critical enough, we will finally become the person we want to be. If we push ourselves harder, hold ourselves to a higher standard, or focus on everything we need to change, maybe we will finally become more disciplined, confident, or in control. But self-criticism rarely creates meaningful change. More often, it creates shame, and shame makes it harder to see ourselves clearly.

Curiosity invites us to approach ourselves differently. Instead of asking, “What is wrong with me?” we begin asking, “What is happening within me?” Rather than immediately judging our emotions, reactions, or choices, we become interested in understanding where they come from. Curiosity does not mean avoiding accountability or excusing behaviors that hurt ourselves or others. It means creating enough compassion to understand the deeper story behind them.

Many of the parts of ourselves we criticize most developed for a reason. Perfectionism may have once helped us feel worthy in environments where acceptance felt conditional. Avoidance may have protected us from disappointment, rejection, or the fear of not being enough. Constantly caring for others may have been a way to create connection when our own needs felt difficult to express. When we only criticize these patterns, we overlook the ways they may have once been attempts to protect us. The truth is, we cannot heal what we refuse to understand.

Curiosity allows us to separate our identity from our experiences and behaviors. It reminds us that a pattern is something we learned, not something we are. We can recognize that something needs to change without turning that awareness into another reason to judge ourselves. Growth becomes less about fixing what is wrong with us and more about understanding what we have carried, what we have needed, and what we are ready to do differently.

This is where change can start. Not by being harder on ourselves or constantly looking for what’s wrong, but by getting a little more curious about what’s actually going on inside us.

Maybe the goal isn’t to become someone who never struggles. Maybe it’s to learn how to pause and understand what we’re feeling before immediately trying to fix it. Sometimes, the parts of ourselves we judge the most are the parts that need a little more understanding.

I think that is where self-compassion begins: not by telling ourselves that everything we do is okay, but by becoming willing to understand ourselves before deciding what needs to change.